Department No. XV · The Log

Twelve misses, with margins.

Every miss timed, every margin recorded. Smaller margins rank higher; ties go to the better sigh.

XIIMisses

XIIMargins timed

0Second chances

The twelve misses

The Bus, 4 s
The Train Doors
The Toast, 30 cm
The Umbrella, 2 s
The Biscuit, 2 s
The Vote, 1 vote
The Rain, 30 s
The Reply-All, 1 click
The Lift, a coat-tail
The Space, half a bonnet
The Phone, 40 s
The Ticket, 1 number

Miss 01

The Bus, by Four Seconds Margin: 4 s

The 11.04 pulled away as the stop was reached. The timetable was consulted and found to be correct, which made it worse.

Record. Timed by the second hand. The driver saw nothing, officially.

Miss 02

The Train Doors Margin: 1 door

A hand raised; the doors closed. The face in the window was sympathetic and moving away.

Record. Measured in door-widths: one.

Miss 03

The Toast Margin: 30 cm

Fell butter-side down from the counter edge. The five-second rule was invoked and overruled on grounds of butter.

Record. Drop height 90 cm. Breakfast delayed.

Miss 04

The Umbrella, Another’s Hand Margin: 2 s

Reached for the last drying umbrella as another hand closed on it first. Both parties apologised; the rain continued impartially.

Record. Politeness of both parties: exemplary. Outcome: damp.

Miss 05

The Last Biscuit Margin: 2 s

A colleague took it during the general offer’s pause for breath. The offer had been made; the pause was the error.

Record. See Dept VII, Rule 03. A precedent.

Miss 06

The Deciding Vote Margin: 1 vote

Arrived at the Pigeon Election as the count closed. The result stood at fourteen self-votes to fourteen.

Record. The voter was human and therefore ineligible. See Tale 02, which did not happen.

Miss 07

The Rain, After the Washing Margin: 30 s

Washing hung; rain began half a minute later from a clear sky. The sky offered no explanation.

Record. Washing re-hung indoors. Drying time doubled.

Miss 08

The Reply-All, Caught Mid-Click Margin: 1 click

The mouse was moving to Send when the horror arrived. The draft was deleted and the sender sat quietly until lunch.

Record. The closest call on record. See below.

Miss 09

The Lift Doors Margin: a coat-tail

The doors met on a coat-tail and reopened, judging the coat worthy. The wearer boarded to general relief.

Record. A miss reversed: filed under mercies.

Miss 10

The Parking Space Margin: half a bonnet

Indicated, manoeuvred, and found a smaller car already in it, parked with insulting neatness.

Record. Circled twice more. Parked further, walked further, arrived later.

Miss 11

The Phone, at One Per Cent Margin: 40 s of call

Died mid-sentence during the important part. The important part was never recovered.

Record. Charger located three rooms away. Too far.

Miss 12

The Queue Ticket, One Number Off Margin: 1 number

Held 43; the display showed 44, then 45. Number 43 was never called and is presumed happy elsewhere.

Record. Waited through two full cycles. Left quietly, which counted as conduct.

RankingBy margin ascending. The reply-all ranks first; the rain ranks last but spread widest.