The International Institute · Department No. VI ·
The International InstituteOrdinary & Remarkable Knowledge
London time · keeping…
No. VI Tall Tales · XII tales told · Nil occurred

Department No. VI · Est. MMXXIV · Room 6 · Floor 2

Nothing here ever happened.

The Department of Tall Tales maintains twelve stories that never occurred, told as if they did. Solemnity is compulsory; belief is not permitted.

XIITales told
0Events occurred
IVDisclaimers in force
Within this department
  1. Tales Told — all twelve non-events, in numerical order.
  2. Telling — rules of telling, and the Register of Corrections.
  3. How this department works — filing, stamping, and denial.
Tale of the monthTale 09 · Never happened

The Lift That Held a Meeting

Between first and second. Quorum: four.

Any Other Business included breathing exercises.

Read the full non-account

How this department works

Department No. VI collects stories that are untrue and keeps them with the care usually reserved for things that are true. Each tale is numbered, catalogued, stamped NEVER HAPPENED, and told in a level voice with both hands visible.

Visitors are reminded that solemnity is not evidence. A tale told without smiling does not become true through good posture. The Department accepts no liability for amazement, repetition, or retelling in pubs.

Disclaimers

1. No tale occurred. 2. No tale is based on a true incident with the names changed. 3. Where a tale mentions a member of staff, a pigeon, or a bench, that party was elsewhere, doing nothing. 4. The Department denies everything, including this denial where inconvenient.

Tale 01

The Great Teaspoon Rebellion Never happened

Communal drawer, October. 47 spoons reported absent without leave.

It is said that one October all the Institute teaspoons resigned at once and marched to the Lost Property Office to demand smaller cups. The Registrar is alleged to have negotiated until teatime, when both sides paused for tea and found there was nothing to stir it with. Order was restored by means of one wooden spoon, acting under emergency powers.

Record. Drawer inventory, October, shows no deficit. No march, no negotiation, no emergency spoon. This did not happen.

"We want smaller cups and larger saucers, and we want them now-ish." — alleged spoon spokesman, who does not exist.

Tale 02

The Pigeon Election of 2019 Never happened

Ledge, east wing. An election observed only by the candidates.

The pigeons are said to have organised a ballot for Caretaker of Crumbs, with fourteen candidates and no electorate to speak of. Each pigeon voted for itself, cooed at the count, and declared the result a triumph for pigeons. The Institute recognised the outcome for eleven minutes before remembering that pigeons cannot write.

Record. No ballot box was issued. No crumbs were allocated. No such election occurred.

"Coo. Coo, with recount. Coo." — official transcript, never taken.

Tale 04

The Bench That Walked to Room 5 Never happened

Corridor, second floor. Footsteps heard at 2 cm per hour.

The visiting bench is said to have grown tired of Room 2 · Floor 2 and walked, very slowly, to Room 5 · Floor 2 over the course of a fortnight, pausing at doorways to rest. Staff allegedly left a trail of crumbs and polite notes saying "This way, if you insist." On arrival it is said to have queued politely outside, as Room 5 · Floor 2 was full.

Record. The bench has not moved since 2021. Scuff marks examined; found to be dust. This never happened.

"It is doing 2 centimetres an hour but with great determination." — night report, not filed.

Tale 07

The Twenty-Two-Minute Silence That Applied for Membership Never happened

Application form, unsigned. Silence enclosed.

A twenty-two-minute silence is said to have applied for Institute membership, enclosing references from two earlier silences and a stamped addressed envelope containing nothing. The Committee allegedly considered it the strongest candidate that year, as it interrupted nobody and took no biscuits. It was rejected for failing to attend the interview.

Record. No application received. No interview scheduled. No silence heard. This never happened.

"… " — the applicant, throughout, allegedly.

Told this month
Tale 02, to two school parties and one bishop, all of whom were warned beforehand. All twelve tales.
Believed this month
Nil. One visitor wavered during Tale 04 but was steadied with tea. Rules of telling.
Denied this month
Everything, as usual, in writing and aloud. Denials are filed under D for Did Not Happen.
Warning to visitorsThese stories are told solemnly for effect. Solemnity is not truth. Do not repeat them as fact, do not cite them in disputes, and do not feed the pigeons on the strength of Tale 02.