Department No. VI · Procedure & Corrections

How to tell an untruth properly.

A tale told badly is merely a lie. A tale told solemnly, stamped, and denied is Institute procedure.

IRule that matters

0Winks permitted

IVCorrections on file

Rules of telling

1. Solemnity at all times. The teller shall stand straight, speak slowly, and maintain the expression used for fire drills and obituaries. Laughter by the teller invalidates the telling and requires a form.

2. No winking. Winking, nudging, coughing in inverted commas, or saying "allegedly" in a meaningful tone are forbidden. "Allegedly" shall be said flatly, as one says "Tuesday."

3. Full denial afterwards. Each telling shall conclude with the phrase "This did not happen," delivered without relief. Where time is short, "Nil occurred" may be used, but only once per telling.

Care of listeners

Listeners who feel belief approaching are to be given tea and a copy of the disclaimer. Children are to be told twice that the pigeons did not vote. Bishops are to be told three times, as they take notes.

Tales may not be told near the Lost Property Office after 16.00, as the light there is credulous.

Posture: Hands visible, feet together, voice level. The tale is carried by the voice, not the eyebrows. Practise on the twelve.
Props: None. A teaspoon may not be held aloft during Tale 01. A pigeon may not be produced during Tale 02.
Winking: Zero permitted. One wink recorded in February; the winker was retrained and the audience re-denied.

Register of Corrections

Correction I — the spoon believer
Correction II — the pigeon correspondent
Correction III — the bench watcher
Correction IV — the silence member

Correction I

The Spoon Believer Corrected

Visitor, October. Left cutlery at home "as a gesture of solidarity."

Mrs P. of Norwich heard Tale 01 and donated her household teaspoons to the Rebellion by post, with a note reading "Tell them to hold firm." The Department returned them with tea, an inventory, and a formal assurance that there is no Rebellion and therefore nowhere to hold firm. Mrs P. has since stirred normally.

Record. Parcel received, 47 spoons, all loyal to the drawer. Returned first class. Matter closed.

"I do feel they deserved smaller cups." — Mrs P., forgiven.

Correction II

The Pigeon Correspondent Corrected

Letter, November. Seed enclosed for "the re-elected."

Mr D. wrote to congratulate the Caretaker of Crumbs on his victory and enclosed seed "to be divided fairly among all fourteen winners." The Department replied that no election occurred, no crumbs were allocated, and the seed had been eaten by pigeons with no mandate. Mr D. accepted the correction but asked to be kept informed of any future non-elections.

Record. Letter filed under C for Credulous, with reply. Seed disposed of according to procedure (pigeons).

"Democracy is democracy, even on a ledge." — Mr D., corrected in writing.

Correction III

The Bench Watcher Corrected

Corridor, three evenings. Flask, binoculars, encouragement.

A student sat for three evenings to "witness the bench's nightly leg" and left crumbs with notes saying "No pressure." On the third night he reported movement of "perhaps 2 mm, possibly crumb-related." Staff showed him the dust, the measurement, and Tale 04's denial stamp. He left satisfied, taking his crumbs with him.

Record. Bench measured before and after: identical. Movement attributed to hope. Correction accepted.

"It wanted to go. I could tell." — the watcher, kindly but wrong.

Correction IV

The Silence Member Corrected

Reading Room. Applicant sat quietly for twenty-two minutes "in sympathy."

A gentleman heard Tale 07 and sat in the Reading Room for twenty-two minutes in sympathy with the rejected silence, leaving an empty envelope on the desk. When asked, he said he was "holding the silence's place." He was thanked, given the disclaimer to read aloud, and shown that the envelope, like the tale, contained nothing. He left quietly, which was permitted.

Record. Envelope retained as Exhibit Nothing. No membership conferred on any silence. This, too, did not happen — the tale, not the sitting.

"Say nothing? I have said nothing for years." — the gentleman, on departure.

To future believersBelief is treated gently and corrected firmly. Write to Room 6 · Floor 2 if you have believed a tale; you will receive tea, a stamp, and the sentence "This did not happen" in writing.