Department No. V · Room 5 · Floor 2 · A suggestion of the house
On waiting well.
A small department for the rooms in which nothing happens: waiting rooms, early platforms, queues, and the bench in Department No. I.
- The bench — varnished, uncomfortable, and sufficient.
- Conduct — how to queue, sit, and remain silent.
- Seating — twenty-four seats, of which the bench counts three.
- Hours — the quietest hour, and when to prefer it.
- Rooms — ten rooms, from the Waiting Room to the Closed Kiosk.
- Ordinances — nine ordinances, the seating plan of twenty-four, and the silence log.
The bench
Varnished oak, revarnished annually. Comfort unchanged, on principle.
The Institute maintains one bench per department, but the bench of Department No. V is kept in Room 1 · Floor 2, where it may be supervised. It is varnished and uncomfortable, on the principle that a little discomfort keeps the mind in the room. It seats three, shoulder to shoulder, without apology.
The end seat nearest the door is yielded to anyone carrying more than you — parcels, years, or bad news. The middle seat is taken last and vacated first. The sleeping are never woken; the Warden counts them with the rest.
- Silence log
- Twenty-two unbroken minutes recorded, Thursday. Broken by a pigeon. The full log.
- New room card
- Room 5C, The Queue, now has its own card: Thursdays, 11.00, no audible sighing. Read the card.
- Maintenance
- The bench has been revarnished. Comfort unchanged. Room 5E.
- Challenge
- The 22-minute record stands. Beat it quietly. Silence timer.
Conduct
Queue without audible sighing. Yield the bench-end seat to anyone carrying more than you. Telephones silent; books permitted; staring at ordinary objects encouraged.
Whispering is discouraged rather than forbidden, since a forbidden whisper is the first thing a room wishes to hear. Applause is withheld in all circumstances; approval may be shown by remaining seated a moment longer than necessary. Those who arrive together need not sit together. Those who leave together should not discuss what the silence was about.
Seating
The Institute maintains one bench per department. It is varnished but not comfortable, on the principle that a little discomfort keeps the mind in the room.
Seating across the department is limited to twenty-four in total: the bench counts as three, the Waiting Room holds four, the Early Platform holds three, the Queue holds one standing place of honour, the Launderette Below contributes one stool, the Stairwell offers two steps-as-seats, the Cloakroom one stool, the Long Corridor three chairs, the Window Seat two, and the Closed Kiosk four standing places. Latecomers stand, which is also a form of sitting, practised upright.
Hours
The quietest hour is the first: Thursday, 11.00. The department recommends it, and otherwise declines to recommend anything, which is rather the point.
The rooms are open Thursday to Sunday, 11.00 to 17.00, with the early platform kept from the first train. The queue forms at eleven precisely and is at its best before it is understood. After five the department closes, and the silence is left to look after itself until morning.
Rooms
Ten rooms, from the Waiting Room to the Closed Kiosk: clocks, platforms, queues, stairwells, corridors, and the hum below.
Ordinances
Nine ordinances, the seating plan of twenty-four, and the silence log with its causes of break.