Department No. V · Ordinances I–IX

Nine ordinances, one silence.

The whole government of the department on a single page: how to queue, sit, look, listen, and leave applause unmade.

On this page

The nine ordinances — queueing, seating, telephones, books, staring, applause, sleep, pacing, tickets.
Seating plan — twenty-four seats, of which the bench counts three.
Silence log — durations kept, and what broke them.

Ordinance I

Queue without sighing Standing order

Applies chiefly to Room 5C, The Queue, Thursdays from 11.00.

Impatience is permitted, provided it makes no sound. Sighs, groans, and audible checking of watches are left outside with the umbrellas. A nod to the person ahead counts as conversation and is sufficient.

Ordinance II

Yield the bench-end seat Standing order

Applies to Room 5E, The Bench, Room 1 · Floor 2, which seats three.

The end seat nearest the door is yielded to anyone carrying more than you — parcels, years, or bad news. The middle seat is taken last and vacated first. No thanks are required; the seat itself is the thanks.

Ordinance III

Telephones silent Standing order

Applies to all ten rooms; confiscated in spirit if not in fact.

Telephones are silenced at the door and neither consulted nor displayed within. A telephone heard ringing is treated as a break in the silence and entered in the log. The Usher confiscates, in spirit if not in fact, every ringing telephone.

Ordinance IV

Books permitted Standing order

Applies everywhere; turning of pages quietly.

Books are permitted and quietly encouraged, provided pages are turned without flourish. Newspapers are folded to the width of the reader. The magazines of 2019 in the Waiting Room may not be removed, as they belong to the act of waiting.

Ordinance V

Staring at ordinary objects encouraged Standing order

Applies everywhere; the floorboards and the ceiling included.

Prolonged attention to plain things — a hinge, a ticket, a patch of hum through the floorboards — is the department’s principal recreation. Staring at persons is discouraged; staring at objects is the approved alternative.

Ordinance VI

Applause withheld Standing order

Applies in all circumstances, including excellent silence.

Approval may be shown by remaining seated a moment longer than necessary. Clapping, cheering, and rapping of knuckles are reserved for other departments. The best silence receives no acknowledgement whatever, which is how it knows it was good.

Ordinance VII

Never wake the sleeping Standing order

Applies everywhere; the Warden counts the seated, sleeping included.

Those who fall asleep in the rooms are counted with the waking and left undisturbed. Sleep is considered a successful visit. The sleeper, upon waking, is not told how long the silence lasted in their absence.

Ordinance VIII

Pace without commentary Standing order

Applies chiefly to Room 5H, The Long Corridor, twenty-one paces.

Pacing is permitted end to end at an even, unhurried tread. Overtaking is discouraged as a form of commentary; footsteps are kept soft so the hum from below may preside. Those between paces take the wall chairs without apology.

Ordinance IX

Take a ticket for nothing Standing order

Applies to Room 5G, The Cloakroom, and Room 5J, The Closed Kiosk.

Tickets are issued and kept, though nothing is claimed with them and nothing is sold behind the hatch. Queuing out of habit at the Closed Kiosk is recognised as loyalty; the hatch is not knocked upon, and the silence behind it is considered stock.

Seating plan

Seating across the department is limited to twenty-four: the bench counts as three, the Waiting Room holds four, the Early Platform holds three, the Queue holds one standing place of honour, the Launderette Below contributes one stool, the Stairwell offers two steps-as-seats, the Cloakroom one stool, the Long Corridor three chairs, the Window Seat two, and the Closed Kiosk four standing places.

Latecomers stand. Standing is also a form of sitting, practised upright, and is counted toward the twenty-four.

Silence log

Durations kept unbroken, with the cause of each break entered plainly and without blame.

Thursday · 22 min · Pigeon: The record stands. A pigeon entered by the high window and objected. Twenty-two unbroken minutes before it; applause withheld after it.
Sunday · 17 min · Telephone, in spirit: No telephone rang, but one was plainly being resisted in a coat pocket. The room voted it a break in spirit. Entered accordingly.
Thursday · 9 min · Laughter at susurrus: A visitor laughed upon hearing the word susurrus read aloud from Department No. II. The laughter was forgiven; the nine minutes stand.
Saturday · 19 min · Tintinnabulation: A teaspoon dropped in Room 5A during a demonstration of tintinnabulation from Department No. II. The word was admitted as the cause; the minutes stand.
Thursday · 14 min · Corridor overtake: An overtake in Room 5H, the Long Corridor, contrary to Ordinance VIII. Both parties apologised in writing; the fourteen minutes stand.
Sunday · 11 min · Kiosk knock: A knock upon the hatch of Room 5J, the Closed Kiosk. The knocker was issued a ticket for nothing under Ordinance IX; the eleven minutes stand.

Ordinance If the door is open, the Institute is open. If it is not, it is not.