Department No. VII · Unwritten Rules · Room 7 · Floor 2

The rules everyone keeps that nobody wrote.

Twelve regulations of proven force that have never been minuted, signed, or agreed to, and yet are obeyed by millions before breakfast. The Department does not invent them. It merely transcribes them.

12Rules observed

0Written down

0Appeals upheld

Standing noticeNothing on this page is new. If you are learning it here, you are already late.

What counts as unwritten

An unwritten rule is not a law, a guideline, or a suggestion. It is a regulation of proven force that has never been minuted, signed, or agreed to, and yet is obeyed by thirty million people before breakfast. The Department does not invent these rules. It merely transcribes them, in the manner of a naturalist observing badgers.

The one test is as follows: a practice qualifies if everyone keeps it, nobody wrote it, and breach of it produces immediate, silent, nationwide disapproval. If it requires a sign, it is not unwritten. If it requires enforcement, it is not a rule. The queue requires neither.

Within this department

The Code — all twelve rules, in order of sanctity.
Breaches — judgments of the Tribunal of Quiet Disapproval.
Rule of the month — the Queue, again.

Rule of the monthRule 09

The Trolley

Returned, nested, chain secured.

Abandonment claims your time is minted.

Read it in the Code

Selected rules in force

Rule 01

The Queue Standing order

Applies at bus stops, counters, barriers, and anywhere a line may form.

The Queue shall be joined at the rear and left without remark. Position is property. One may not save places, merge queues optimistically, or ask "is this the queue?" without accepting the answer as binding.

Penalty. Collective silence, followed by precise, lifelong remembering of your face.

Rule 03

The Last Biscuit Standing order

Applies in offices, meeting rooms, and any plate bearing one biscuit.

The Last Biscuit shall not be taken without a general offer to the room, made once and with apparent sincerity. If declined, the taker may proceed, but must then endure the obligation to enjoy it visibly less.

Penalty. Reclassification, in all future biscuit matters, as "one to watch."

Rule 06

The Wave of Thanks Standing order

Applies at zebra crossings, junctions, and supermarket car parks.

A driver who is yielded to shall raise one hand in acknowledgement, of duration no less than 0.4 seconds and no more than dignified. Failure to wave converts a courtesy into a debt, repayable in muttering.

Penalty. The yielder is entitled to withdraw all future goodwill and to say "you're welcome" to an empty car.

Rule 07

The Reply-All Standing order

Applies to all-staff emails, invitations, and circulars exceeding twelve recipients.

One shall not reply-all with "thanks," "noted," or "me too," unless one intends to address the entire building as family. The correct response to mass correspondence is private silence, maintained at scale.

Penalty. Seventy-three further reply-alls, none of them for you.

Observance, January: Queue discipline Excellent. Lift silence Excellent. Thermostat conduct Poor, as ever.
Ruling No. 88: A trolley left in a parking bay is not "abandoned." It is evidence. Recent judgments.
Next sitting: The Committee will consider headphones. Proceedings will be silent, by definition. The full Code.