Department No. VII · Breaches
Ignorance is no defence. Knowledge is no defence either. The Tribunal records both.
A breach of an unwritten rule differs from a crime in that everyone saw it, no one reported it, and the punishment began before the act was complete. The Tribunal does not fine, imprison, or caution. It notes. To be noted by this Department is to be remembered at every future queue, round, and plate of biscuits.
Proceedings are brief. The facts are read. The offender is invited to explain, which invitation is itself part of the penalty. Mitigation most often offered — "I didn't know," "I was in a hurry," "it was only one degree" — has been classified as aggravation since 1973. Judgments below are final and, regrettably, widely shared.
Breach I
Mr P. took the last biscuit during item 4 (Any Other Business) without the required general offer, later stating he "thought no one wanted it." All present wanted it. The plate was produced as Exhibit A, empty.
Penalty. Biscuit privileges suspended for one quarter; tea to be taken biscuitless, in view of colleagues.
Breach II
Ms D. replied-all "noted!!" followed, within six minutes, by Mr S. replying-all "please remove me from this thread." A further forty-one messages ensued, none concerning the fridge. The fridge remains unemptied.
Penalty. To organise the summer drinks by email, and to receive every reply.
Breach III
Mr K., "feeling a bit fresh," raised the heating from 19°C to 22°C at 09.14 without consultation. By 09.40 two cardigans had been removed in protest and one window opened in counter-legislation. Work did not resume until equilibrium.
Penalty. Seating for the winter months beside the draughty window, thermostat out of reach.
Breach IV
Mrs H. advanced past seven persons on grounds she "only had one parcel." All present had only one parcel; that is the nature of parcels. When challenged, she produced headphones, thereby committing a second breach concurrently.
Penalty. To be served last, correctly, and with full ceremony, on all future visits.
Breach V
Mr T., having been allowed to pass by a reversing motorist, proceeded without wave, nod, or visible mouth movement. The yielder followed at a lawful distance for eleven miles, in silence, to ensure the record was complete.
Penalty. To yield at every junction for one month, and to be unwaved-at in return.
Breach VI
Mr L. drank three pints within the round system and departed citing a "train," which was later found to be 48 minutes hence and amenable to a further round. The table completed his round in his absence and drank it with formal toasts to his character.
Penalty. To open the next four gatherings with the words "the first round is mine, and the second."