Department No. VII · The Code
Twelve rules. None enacted. All enforced. Listed in order of sanctity, not severity.
Rule 01
The Queue shall be joined at the rear and advanced in silence. Gaps of more than one person's width shall be closed promptly, lest they invite interpretation. Anyone announcing "I'm only asking" is queuing.
Penalty. Audible tutting, and reassignment to the rear of public esteem.
Rule 02
Occupants shall face the doors, regard the floor numbers with interest, and speak only in emergencies or of the weather between floors one and two. Eye contact shall be surrendered at the threshold and reclaimed upon exit.
Penalty. A journey conducted at half a metre's proximity with full knowledge of one's aftershave.
Rule 03
The Last Biscuit shall be offered generally before it is taken particularly. The offer must be audible and must risk acceptance. Breaking the biscuit in half to create "two last biscuits" is ingenuity, and is therefore worse.
Penalty. All future biscuits to be counted in your presence.
Rule 04
The middle armrest belongs to the middle occupant, by right of having nowhere else to go. Aisle and window occupants, being furnished with views and legroom respectively, shall keep their elbows within their own parishes.
Penalty. Sustained elbow pressure, applied without expression, for the duration.
Rule 05
He who drinks in a round shall buy in a round, in turn, without ledger or reminder. Departure before one's round is permissible only on grounds of bereavement or train. Announcing "I'll get my own" is secession.
Penalty. Thirst, correctly administered, at all future gatherings.
Rule 06
Any vehicular or pedestrian concession shall be acknowledged by a raised hand, a nod, or a mouthing of "cheers" visible through glass. The wave must be prompt; a delayed wave is a separate incident requiring its own wave.
Penalty. The offender's next three good deeds to go unwaved-at.
Rule 07
No person shall reply-all to confirm, to joke, or to ask to be removed from the thread by means of the thread. Corrections of fact may be issued privately; corrections of grammar may not be issued at all.
Penalty. To receive "Agreed. Thanks all. Regards, Steve" forty-one times.
Rule 08
The thermostat shall not be touched without consultation, and consultation shall not be opened lightly. One degree is a proposal; two degrees is a coup. Cardigans are legislation.
Penalty. To sit, by consensus, in a draught of one's own making.
Rule 09
The trolley shall be returned to the bay, nested, with chain secured where provided. Abandonment in a parking space is not convenience; it is a claim that one's time is minted while others' is not.
Penalty. A trolley, rolling gently into one's own bumper, in perpetuity.
Rule 10
Headphones worn, however small, constitute a closed door. The wearer shall not be addressed, tapped, or "just quickly" interrupted, except in fire. Removal of one earbud signifies a visa of ninety seconds.
Penalty. To be spoken to at length by a person wearing headphones oneself.
Rule 11
Umbrellas shall be tilted to the street side when passing, raised at crossings, and shaken before entry, never within. A golf umbrella on a crowded pavement is not shelter; it is annexation.
Penalty. To walk the length of Oxford Street behind a slow, wide, dripping canopy.
Rule 12
A seat shall be offered promptly and refused gracefully, with no more than two cycles of "no, really" before settlement. The stander who hovers and sighs has not offered; he has exhibited. Exhibition does not count.
Penalty. To stand for four stops beside one's own empty seat, which is now occupied by principle.