Tale 01
The Great Teaspoon Rebellion Never happened
Communal drawer, October. A labour dispute among cutlery.
One October the Institute's teaspoons are said to have resigned in a body and marched to Lost Property demanding smaller cups and larger saucers. The Registrar allegedly negotiated through a tea urn until teatime, when it was discovered there was nothing to stir with. Peace was declared by one wooden spoon acting under emergency powers, which has since refused to comment.
Record. Cutlery count, October: 48 present, 0 rebellious. No march authorised. This did not happen.
"We are small, we are many, and we are sticky." — alleged spoon manifesto, never written.
Tale 02
The Pigeon Election of 2019 Never happened
East ledge. Fourteen candidates, no electorate, full turnout.
In 2019 the ledge pigeons are said to have held an election for Caretaker of Crumbs, using an upturned lost-property bowler as a ballot box. Each pigeon voted for itself, counted the votes by cooing, and declared all candidates elected with increased majorities. The Institute recognised the result for eleven minutes before recalling that pigeons cannot hold office, crumbs, or pens.
Record. No ballot box issued. No cooing minuted. No such election took place.
"The count was orderly and entirely seed-based." — returning officer, who is a pigeon and does not exist.
Tale 03
The Launderette Goldfish That Approved Acquisitions Never happened
Tank, adjacent to dryers. Decisions by bubble.
For one financial year all acquisitions are said to have required the approval of the launderette goldfish, who signified consent by blowing one bubble and dissent by doing nothing in a pointed manner. Department No. I allegedly submitted 214 objects; the fish approved a sock and a dryer filter and rejected a lucky pebble on grounds of luck. Its tenure ended when it was found to be a plastic castle.
Record. No fish employed. No bubbles consulted. Acquisitions were approved by committee, slowly. This never happened.
"Blub." — approval. "…" — refusal, with feeling.
Tale 04
The Bench That Walked to Room 5 · Floor 2 Never happened
Second-floor corridor. Speed: 2 cm per hour, with rests.
The visiting bench is said to have tired of Room 2 · Floor 2 and set off for Room 5 · Floor 2, shuffling a few centimetres a night and pausing at each doorway to consider. Staff allegedly encouraged it with crumbs and notes reading "This way, if you insist." After a fortnight it arrived, queued politely outside Room 5 · Floor 2, and was told Room 5 · Floor 2 was full.
Record. Bench measured in situ, 2021–present: unmoved. Crumbs were biscuit. This did not happen.
"We are not chasing it. We are accompanying it at its own pace." — night porter, never employed.
Tale 05
The Reader Aloud Who Pronounced a Word Into Existence Never happened
Reading Room. One word, said too clearly.
The Reader Aloud is said to have enunciated the word "squelch" with such precision that a small, damp squelch appeared on the carpet and had to be accessioned. The Committee allegedly debated whether saying "silence" twice might undo it, but declined to risk it. The squelch is still said to be in store, doing nothing, quietly.
Record. No word accessioned. No squelch in store. Carpet dry throughout. No such pronunciation occurred.
"'SQUELCH.' Oh. Oh, no. Fetch the form." — alleged transcript, page one of one.
Tale 06
The Queue That Queued for Itself Never happened
Front steps, Tuesday. No counter, no purpose, excellent order.
One Tuesday a queue is said to have formed with no object, each person having joined because the queue looked so well kept. Stewards allegedly issued tickets for places in the queue to join the queue, and a man at the front, asked what it was for, replied "This, I think." When the doors opened, the queue is said to have politely declined to enter, as it was now happy where it was.
Record. No queue recorded. No tickets issued. Tuesday was quiet. This did not happen.
"Are you in the queue?" "I am the queue." — alleged exchange, positions 4 and 5.
Tale 07
The Twenty-Two-Minute Silence That Applied for Membership Never happened
Membership file S/22. References from two earlier silences.
A twenty-two-minute silence is said to have applied for membership, enclosing an empty envelope as a sample of its work. It was judged the strongest candidate of the year, interrupting nobody and taking no biscuits. It was rejected for failing to attend the interview, though several members insist it did attend and was simply not heard.
Record. No application on file. No interview booked. No silence heard. This never happened.
"… " — the candidate's answer to Question 3, allegedly the best received.
Tale 08
The Kettle That Was Granted Tenure Never happened
Staff kitchen. Service: fourteen years, descaled twice.
The staff kettle is said to have been granted tenure after fourteen years' unbroken service and one heroic boil during a power cut that witnesses describe as "willing itself hot." It was allegedly given a small plaque, a pension of one filter a year, and the right to whistle without permission. It still serves, as all tenured kettles must, two days a week during term.
Record. No tenure conferred on any appliance. Plaque is for a person. The kettle is three years old. This did not happen.
"It whistles, therefore it stays." — alleged committee minute 14(b).
Tale 09
The Lift That Held a Meeting Between Floors Never happened
Between first and second. Quorum: four passengers, one lift.
The lift is said to have stopped between floors for forty minutes and, rather than apologise, held a meeting with the passengers as members. Apologies were received from the ground floor. Any Other Business included breathing exercises and a vote to remain where they were until biscuits arrived. The lift allegedly carried the motion 5–0 and resumed service.
Record. Maintenance log shows no stoppage. No minutes filed from any lift. No biscuits despatched. This never happened.
"Item 1: Where we are. Item 2: Why. Item 3: Biscuits." — alleged agenda, on emergency telephone pad.
Tale 10
The Lost Property Office That Lost Itself Never happened
Basement. Last seen containing 214 umbrellas and itself.
The Lost Property Office is said to have lost itself one Thursday, leaving only a ticket reading "OFFICE, 1, brown door, if found please return to office." Staff allegedly queued to report the Office missing at the Office, forming the queue described in Tale 06. It was found three days later inside its own lost-property box, labelled "contents: one office, slightly dusty."
Record. The Office has remained in the basement throughout. No ticket issued to itself. No such loss occurred.
"Have you lost something?" "Yes. You." — alleged front-desk exchange.
Tale 11
The Minutes That Took Themselves Never happened
Committee Room. Shorthand found in an empty chair.
The minutes of the March meeting are said to have taken themselves, the minute-book having opened, attended, and recorded that no members were present but all were minuted as present. Decisions allegedly included the approval of Tale 11, creating what the Chair called "a small administrative loop." The loop was closed by adjourning the book to the shelf.
Record. Minutes were taken by the Secretary, in longhand, badly. No book has ever attended. This did not happen.
"Present: The Minutes. Apologies: Everyone Else." — alleged heading, never headed.
Tale 12
The Visitor Who Never Arrived Never happened
Visitors' book, page 44. Signature: damp, illegible, absent.
A visitor is said to have arrived the day before his appointment, waited in the future for twenty-six hours, and then left the day after without ever having entered. The visitors' book allegedly shows his umbrella arriving at 10.00, himself arriving at no time, and his coat leaving at 16.30. He left a comment card reading "Lovely visit, hope to come," which the Institute has kept as evidence of nothing.
Record. No entry on page 44. No umbrella, no coat, no visitor. Archival search confirms non-occurrence. This did not happen.
"I was here yesterday tomorrow." — alleged remark to the porter, who was on leave.